Unfortunately, my daughter was tossing and turning most of the night, so I knew I needed to be extra careful not to wake her up. I decided instead of walking into the room, I should duck for cover and stay as low to the floor as possible. I got on all fours and began to crawl slowly and quietly toward her bed. My teenage son spotted me and couldn’t help but ask me why in the world I was performing a military style crawl on the floor through my daughter’s bedroom. I swooshed him away (maybe the camouflage nightgown was a bit much). I rolled and crawled till I maneuvered my way to the head of her bed. Like a scene right out of Ocean’s Eleven, I managed to snatch the tooth! Wow, sometimes parenting calls for skills we never knew we possessed…or maybe it was just the wine.

I left my daughter a couple of dollars under her pillow that night. My job was complete and with pride, I slept like a baby. The next morning she jumped out of bed screaming loudly “I’m rich, I’m rich”. Well, apparently instead of leaving two one-dollar bills under her pillow, I mistakenly left two ten-dollars bills under her pillow. I was puzzled and thinking to myself “How am I going to get the money back?” The next night while my daughter was fast asleep, I slipped a note under her pillow that read “Dear little girl: I need eighteen dollars back or more teeth” and threw a bunch of glitter, stars and Hello Kitty stickers all over the note.

It worked, I got the money back… I’m still nursing a couple of rug burns, but I’m okay! The tooth fairy has officially left the building!

Affectionately nicknamed the “Dysfunctional Housewife” by her comedy group, the popular “Funniest Housewives of Orange County”- Julie Kidd, a single mom with three children who is too busy to cook. When she calls her kids to dinner, they run to the car! Julie is the author of Momalogue, A Journey through a Single Mother’s Hood. Her jokes have been featured in Good Housekeeping and in numerous comedy books including: Comedy Thesaurus, She’s So Funny, Mom This Jokes For You, and Loves Funny That Way. Kidd has performed on numerous television shows, including: ABC’s The View, Life Moments, Iyanla, What’s Up OC, Inside this Edition and Next Big Star. Julie’s advice: Don’t take yourself too seriously… To be a wonderful parent is powerful, but to do it with a sense of humor is magical! For more visit www.THEFUNNYMOM.com

Just KIDDing Comedy Show presents “BAD GIRLS OF COMEDY” Headlining is the outrageous Kira Soltanovich -regular on the “Tonight Show” and “Girls Behaving Badly”. Also featuring Cindy Burns, producer of “Funniest Housewives of OC”, “Oprah” and Sharon Barragan of “Que Locos” and as always, your host and FUNNY MOM Julie Kidd of “The View”

Price: No Cover

Phone: (714) 970-7988

Age Suitability: 18 and up

Tags: comedy, stand-up, funny, hilarious

Add a new tag to this event:

I’m so busy I rarely have time to cook for my kids… When I call my kids for dinner, they run to the car!

Hometown Buffet

My kids love going to Hometown Buffet where the only thing standing between me and the food is a sneeze guard. What’s really odd is that the restaurant weighs the kids in order to determine the price of their meal. The more the kid weighs, the more you pay. (Oh my goodness, you mean I have to pay extra for my chunky child?) As my car pulls up to the restaurant I appealingly instruct my kids: “I know it’s freezing outside but I promise you can put your clothes back on after the weigh in.” I’d make sure my kids were practically naked before stepping on the public scale in the restaurant.

Skimping, Just A Little

Now with the unfortunate effects of the economy, I’ve decided eating out is just too costly. Our four food groups consist of canned, microwavable, frozen and McDonalds. I love anything that advertises “Just Add Water”. I know I can make it another day when I hear those three sweet words “KIDS EAT FREE”. My heart starts beating whenever I join a new restaurant birthday club and get free dessert! We celebrate often. My birthday is every Tuesday! I’ve recently discovered EZ Mac-n-Cheese. You just pop it in the microwave and Voila! (By the way: As a nation, when did we determine that making regular Mac-n-Cheese is just too difficult so we oughta create an even easier version? Is boiling water really that strenuous or time consuming?) Anyway, I’m a big fan!

Packing My Own Food

I’ve started packing my own food whenever we travel or attend any functions. My kids are usually a little embarrassed because most families are buying food and snacks and I’m in the corner whipping out crackers, jelly and condiment packets (that I’ve swiped from KFC) out of a plastic recycled grocery bag. My kids always complain “Mom, why do we always have to bring packed food? That makes us look poor!” I’ve recently started bringing my own wine when I’m out with girls (I know, clever). Those small 6-ounce individual wine bottles are great! (Side Note: Buy the plastic bottles so they don’t break in your purse, and they’re reusable.)

Starving Student

It could be worse. When I was a very starving student, I worked in an office that had an “Honor Box” in the office kitchen. This is where we could take a snack, but we had to leave fifty cents to pay for the item taken. Oh, Okay! (When I finally left that job, I’m sure I owed over $2,000 for granola bars and Twizzlers.)

Happy Mom and Family

Honestly, I’m a happier mother and enjoy cooking at home for my kids. The silver lining is that as a family, we cook together, we eat together… I still do all the dishes (Well, not everything can be perfect!)

About the Author

Affectionately nicknamed the “Dysfunctional Housewife” by her comedy group, the popular “Funniest Housewives of Orange County”- Julie is the author of “Momalogue, A Journey through a Single Mother’s Hood”. Her jokes have been featured in Good Housekeeping and in numerous comedy books including: Comedy Thesaurus, She’s So Funny, Mom This Jokes For You, and Loves Funny That Way. Kidd has performed on numerous television shows, including: ABC’s The View, Life Moments, Iyanla, What’s Up OC, Inside this Edition and Next Big Star. Julie’s advice: Don’t take yourself too seriously… To be a wonderful parent is powerful, but to do it with a sense of humor is magical! For more info and performance dates visit www.THEFUNNYMOM.com

School’s back in session! I had it all planned out… we’d get up nicely, coffee pot was on a timer, hot oatmeal and pancakes would be waiting alongside fresh squeezed orange juice… NOT! As luck would have it, the alarm didn’t go off! I sprung out of bed this morning in sheer panic! There I went, sounding like a boot-camp Drill Sergeant while flailing about and barking orders through the hallway to wake up my kids for school – “Up, up,… c’mon, c’mon! Out of bed, out of bed, in the shower, in the shower! Hurry, hurry! Grab some fruit, kids…PUT THOSE TWINKIES BACK, that sugar’s gonna wind you up (as I stand there with my sugary loaded coffee)! Out the door, out the door! GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!”.

Organized and tidy? You have got to be kidding! Raising three children AND keeping my house in order? Impossible! At times, I needed a search party to find my keys, glasses, and my sanity! In fact, I found Jesus three years ago, but I couldn’t find a pair of matching socks to save my life! (No pun intended.) I tried tons of different ways of becoming organized to save time. I’d get up and clean the house every fifteen minutes. I’d wear tomorrow’s outfit to bed the night before (with accessories).

I used to hate it when people would just stop over! I was afraid my house would be a mess! I would imagine myself peeking through a barely opened door, saying “you can’t come in! Come back in twenty minutes!” And then like a mad woman, I would throw EVERYTHING in the closet! I remember telling my kids we needed to clean the house because if social services stopped by, they might all be taken away. (Is that bad?)

I must confess I finally did what everyone expected and cleaned and organized the house, but keeping it that way is hard work. However, it’s worth it because maintaining a clean and organized home feels great and offers a sense of pride! We all felt sheer pleasure walking into a clean and tidy room after a long day. In time, it even set in with my children and they began doing the same behaviors to help keep the house clean!

Affectionately nicknamed the “Dysfunctional Housewife” by her comedy group, the popular “Funniest Housewives of Orange County”- Julie Kidd, a single mom with three children who is too busy to cook. When she calls her kids to dinner, they run to the car! Julie is the author of Momalogue, A Journey through a Single Mother’s Hood. Her jokes have been featured in Good Housekeeping and in numerous comedy books including: Comedy Thesaurus, She’s So Funny, Mom This Jokes For You, and Loves Funny That Way. Kidd has performed on numerous television shows, including: ABC’s The View, Life Moments, Iyanla, What’s Up OC, Inside this Edition and Next Big Star. Julie’s advice: Don’t take yourself too seriously… To be a wonderful parent is powerful, but to do it with a sense of humor is magical!

Being your child’s best friend often leads to misconception and plus, who wants to share clothes with a 10 year old? Not having a discipline plan is only good when it comes to counting wine and chocolate calories while nursing a broken heart. Being overly accommodating to children will spoil your children every time! Here’s a tip: Instead of allowance, try giving your kids coupons. Go ahead, laugh a little! Laughter is healing! Unless you have a good red wine (accompanied with a good man!). Never air your dirty laundry on a national TV show that has “Doctor” in the title!